Remember that short humour book I was talking about in one of my posts? Well, here it is!
First drafted in 1998 (hence a few of the references may be a bit out of date), successfully rejected by three publishing companies in 2002 (I know, where does the time go?), and initially posted online in a now defunct website, I think it might as well find its permanent home right here. Enjoy.
You Know You've Been Unemployed Too Long When...
* You forget your occupation.
* You compete with your cat to see who can sleep the most.
* You believe 'fashion conscious' means getting dressed.
* You question ANYONE who claims they don't have time.
* The Joy of Not Working (Ernie J. Zelinski) remains your favourite book.
* You convince yourself you're not poor, just financially challenged.
* You rely on job ads rather than comics for your laugh of the day.
* You no longer get asked, "Are you still looking for work?"
* Your resume vaguely reminds you of Swiss cheese.
* You wonder if you're allergic to work.
* You secretly hope this could qualify you for a disability pension.
* You forget how to prepare for job interviews.
* You begin to view work as being a little absurd.
* You can't even imagine wealth, much less dream of it.
* You wonder why people get up before 8:00.
_________________
- take a breath
_________________
* You hope going back to work will be like riding that proverbial bicycle.
* You get blacklisted by all job finding clubs.
* You clip coupons as if it could save your life - and it does!
* You're the only person you know without a CD player.
* Reading becomes as important as work used to be.
* 'Time management' starts meaning something completely different.
* You look forward to hearing from telephone solicitors.
* You solicit solicitors.
* You find it hard to keep track of the month - let alone the day.
* Going to a movie really means going to the nearest video store.
* Walking becomes your only affordable means of transport.
* Parents of other unemployed friends call YOUR parents for support.
* You worry that if life gets any more simplified - life could be over.
* You LIKE the option of not having to comb your hair every day.
* You keep revising your resume hoping to hide the years not worked.
* You count on your record albums to be of value someday.
* You debate who gets the tuna - you, or the cat.
* You're annoyed by the term 'multi-tasking'.
* You no longer FEEL unemployed, you just have more time than most.
* People ask (repeatedly, it seems) what you do all day.
* You have to think (hard) before you can answer.
* Money becomes an abstract concept.
* It's suggested you may be occupationally challenged.
* Your references don't remember you.
________________________
- take a deeper breath
________________________
* You fear that both your IQ and emotional intelligence have dropped.
* You'd give anything to be 'misemployed' or 'underemployed'.
* You assume everyone lives in shared housing.
* You swear that if you see one more book on how to find work...
* You think '9 to 5' refers mainly to an old Dolly Parton movie.
* Your parents start a new support group called Parents of Adult Children Who've Been Unemployed Way Too Long.
* Clothes shopping really means visiting the thrift stores again.
* You can't think of a single skill you still have.
* You envy people who flip burgers.
* You wouldn't mind a burger yourself once in a while.
* Stretching a dollar becomes a luxury you can't afford.
* You quickly change any topic even remotely connected to work.
* You enjoy watching your cable company's community bulletin board.
* 'Work' starts sounding like a four-letter word.
* You decide erotic phone lines could be a fun way to make money.
* Your landlord wonders where your rent comes from.
* Hey, you wonder yourself!
* You know you'll have no problem adusting to retirement.
* You forget it's usually older people who retire.
* Even retired people ask what you do all day.
* Replacing burnt out light bulbs becomes a bit of a thrill.
* You joke about how many unemployed persons it takes to change a light bulb.
___________________________________
- an even bigger breath this time
___________________________________
* You're regarded as an expert when it comes to not working.
* You no longer get away with claiming to be on sabbatical.
* Upon seeing the book Six Months Off (Dlugozima, Scott, and Sharp), you feel you could write Six Years Off - Anyone Can Do It!
* You have at least 100 copies of your resume.
* You have only one copy of your resume.
* You lose said resume.
* You call your folks just to see if they still have your room.
* The phrase 'one day at a time' becomes your favourite mantra.
* You wonder if 'visualizing' successful interviews is as far as you'll go.
* You forget to set your clocks back, and don't find out for days.
* You find it just as hard to get volunteer work as it is to get paid work.
* You decide the No Frills grocery store may as well just change their name to No.
* You feel the lazy dwarf in Snow White got a bad rap.
* Bank machines laugh at you.
* You think 'work ethic' is a term both highly overused and overrated.
* Your idea of dining out means stopping at the French Fries truck.
* Given the threadbare state of your T-shirts, you're more than glad Ontario passed that law about women being able to bare their breasts.
* You get calls from strangers who have heard of your plight.
_____________________
- inhale and exhale
_____________________
* Your credit card companies are happier than you want them to be.
* You think anyone out on strike for better pay is nuts.
* The person repairing your TV didn't know TV's could be that old.
* Not even your family considers you a part of the workforce.
* You wonder if your inability to find work is part of a major conspiracy.
* You question why there isn't a 12-step program for the unemployed.
* You classify 'extra creamy' Kraft macaroni and cheese as gourmet food.
* You spot your own furniture (and clothes!) on That '70s Show.
* You're no longer sure you're employable.
* You know you're no longer employable.
* You get caught in your pajamas mid-afternoon.
* You wonder if it's worthwhile to change out of them.
* You're surprised you can't find Chicken Soup for the Unemployed Soul.
* You're annoyed - who could possibly need chicken soup more?
* Listening to clocks tick becomes an enjoyable pastime.
* You're convinced that the parachute in Richard N. Bolles' What Color Is Your Parachute has a faulty mechanism.
* Looking for work is the last thing you feel like doing anyway.
* You begin to think employed people are kind of weird.
* You have difficulty remembering your last job interview.
* To be honest, you have difficulty remembering your last job.
___________________________
- your largest breath yet
___________________________
* You wish you still owned a Chevette.
* You wonder if you've become a 'leisureholic'.
* Everyone around you knows you're a leisureholic.
* Even you're occasionally embarrassed about not working.
* You start calling yourself a 'vocational abstainer'.
* You're able to budget money like nobody's business.
* Words like 'energetic' and 'dynamic' no longer apply to you.
* You wonder if not working could be considered a spiritual inclination.
* You pray that it might.
* Visiting the local unemployment office becomes your weekly chance to go out.
* You feel sorry for those who have to go to work.
* Just noticing the bookstore's Career section becomes too tiring.
* You realize how often people say 'busy', when asked how they are.
* Your life's purpose evolves to pointing out the dangers of work to anyone who'll listen.
* You wonder if length of time not worked is a category in The Guinness Book of Records.
* You decide it's high time to find out.
* Other unemployed people accuse YOU of giving them a bad reputation.
* Even you'd be surprised if someone actually offered you a job.
* You write this book hoping to delay having to look for real work.
* You worry that one day you'll be able to write How to Remain Unemployed for Life.
* You decide it might be wise to start saving for a rainy decade.
_________________
- almost there!
_________________
* You develop phobic reactions just thinking about job interviews.
* You start publishing a newsletter called Unemployment Digest.
* You suspect 'job satisfaction' to be an oxymoron.
* You reflect wistfully that 'poor' is what you were in the good old days.
* You're sought out for advice on coping with long-term unemployment.
* You wonder if you could turn that into a small business.
* You realize that critics may charge that if as much energy was put into job hunting as into writing this book, even you could probably find work.
* You decide you don't care.
* You conclude you wouldn't trade in your present life for anything!
+++++++++++
Snort. Now honestly, wouldn't this have made for a fine little book? Okay, illustrations might have helped, but still. Hope you laughed at least once. :)
Funny that you added the comment about illustrations because as I finished reading I was going to say that I could totally see this as a book with some 'cartoon' type illustrations -- it would be hilarious! I laughed several times reading this! But there's also a lot that is deep and insightful. This really should have been published. ... I have to look it up, but midway through reading I remembered once hearing a statistic that if a person is out of work for (x number of months) there is a (x % chance) they will ever have paid employment again. I'll see if I can find it. Thanks for posting this!
Posted by: krissa | Tuesday, October 27, 2009 at 04:50 AM
Glad you liked the book. It was supposed to be funny of course, but also a bit of a statement of how crazy our values as a society can sometimes be. Of course that's something I don't need to tell you! Yeah, I pictured it in my head with illustrations too, but don't have the talent myself and never hooked up with someone who could do it for me, so who knows what would have happened otherwise! Oh well, not meant to be I guess. Besides, at least it's here now. :)
I think I've heard that statistic as well, although with today's economy and the reality of people changing careers as often as they do today, I'm not sure how relevant it still is. My longest "sabbatical" was three years! Although, I don't think it would be too wise to ever go that long again. Snort.
Posted by: have gone vegan | Friday, October 30, 2009 at 03:58 PM